


Somewhere I Belong

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dead Parents, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fluff That Can And Will Rot Teeth, French-Speaking Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Fucking Beautiful Eyes, German Eren Yeager, Getting to Know Each Other, Hanji Is A Crazy Bitch, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Ignore that last tag, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) and Cleaning, Levi has OCD, Levis Past, Love at first sight?, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Other POVs, POV Eren Yeager, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Past Drug Use, Past Prostitution, Past Relationship(s), Psych Ward, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow To Update, Teasing, There May Or May Not Be A Smut..., Too late now, Triggers, You'll find out their disorders soon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-02 00:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2792540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger has been here for Seven years. He only knows that he is alive and that he exists. He shuts everyone out and doesn't like anything or anyone. But, what happens when a raven comes along? Can he break Eren? Can Eren fix Levi?<br/>Eren had once thought no one would love him after what he'd done. Now, he's starting to question everything he thought he knew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Am Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so If you're reading this, I have one question, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!? Why would you read this? I have no idea. But Let's just pretend you actually like it okay? 
> 
> ALSO! Any spelling errors/mistakes tell me and I'll fix em'! Now...ONWARD!

Somewhere I Belong

I am alive and I exist, nothing more, nothing less. I breathe and I take up space. I don't know much but what I do know is that I am Eren Jaeger, And I am alive and I exist, Nothing more, nothing less, I've been trapped here since I was eleven years old so about seven years now, seven years inside this wall that will never let me free. I'm stuck, dammed even in this place. They told me on my first day here that I'd get out soon. They told me so much that it was soon hammered into my head and became my mantra. That I'd go home to my family, to Mom, to Mikasa-my sister- That maybe they'd get me out of here. But they lied. I'm never getting out. This place will never help me get better like they promised. This place doesn't help us get better, it keeps us away from the so-called 'Normal people.' And from the outside world. On my second year here, I had the dreams or as Hanji called them, Memories.

I Killed them. I killed them while Mikasa watched me do it. It finally got something to me; That's why I'm here. I'm a cold murderer.

Killed my own family in front of my very own sister. When I close my eyes I can still see her face, filled with terror and fear, her screams of agony snapping me from a trance. I'll never forget the way when I had saw what I had done, the way she hid in the corner shivering and tears streaming down her cheeks. Or when I looked down to see them at my feet and screamed out, "It was an accident!" and cried until they took me away with my sister still crying and clinging onto the red scarf I had given her. And here I am. Here I am in this place for the unstable and mentally insane. Here I am in this room, alone and could hear the annoying chatter coming from the cafeteria.

There was a knock on my door and in came one of the nurses. It was Petra. Her short strawberry blonde hair put up in a small ponytail. "Eren, It's time for breakfast. You need to eat." She urged me, giving me one of the most kind, warm and gentle smiles she could muster. In truth, I wasn't hungry at all. But I knew I needed to get something or else they would think I had another eating disorder.

I Wouldn't have to eat it just get it and poke at it or something. I sighed heavily as I got up from my resting spot on my bed in the corner from leaning on the wall. Petra smiled as she led me out. "How are you Eren?" She asked trying to spike up a friendly conversation. I stayed silent and just kept walking. Noticing she wouldn't get anything out of me, she stopped talking and the rest of the walk to the cafeteria was silent save for the loud cafeteria chatter and voices. We got to the doors and she pushed them open for me and before she left she told me "Have a nice day Eren. But remember, you have group time today with Hanji and the others instead of private therapy with Hanji." I nodded. That's right, today was Thursday. Every Thursday, Monday and Saturday were 'Group Sharing Circle' as Hanji called it.

I walked into the Cafeteria and got some…oatmeal? I don't know. But it looked like it was something they fished out of the sewer. For a while I just poke around at my food and whenever someone walked by, occasionally pretend to be eating so they wouldn't get suspicious of me not eating anything. Soon breakfast was over after about an hour but seemed forever. Now it was time for Group Sharing.

The sea of people at the door were all pushing and shoving each other like they had to be somewhere important to be. They didn't. When everyone left is when I stood up and left the room going fashionably slow as I reached the doors to piss off the guard. I walked a few doors down from the Cafeteria and to the group activity room. Opening the door, I saw that everyone was already in a circle as always I was last to get here. But I didn't care. Not one bit. "Ah. Eren my dear! You're just in time! Please, have a sit, I saved you a spot!" Hanji exclaimed overexcitedly, patting the chair next to her bouncing in her spot. What was she on? That's some good drugs apparently. I thought to myself. As soon as I sat down everyone's side conversations stopped. It was as if I were some kind of monster to them. I Guess I am though, I mean, what eleven year old kills his family in front of his sister? That's Right, me.

Hanji must have sensed some discomfort of something and piped up once again. "Alright kiddies! Today we're going to share what we want to do when we all get out." Some of the newbies like Jean or Sasha got excited at the idea that they'd be leaving I inwardly laughed at their stupidity. No one ever gets out of here. Not even some of the ones who have improved. No one.

"Alright Jean! Would you like to start us off today?" Hanji broke my thoughts. Jean nodded and began saying what he'd do when he got out. As the circle went around, many stated that they wanted to have a family or get a good paying job and have a better life. Sure enough, it got to me. I said what is the truth and always will be the truth, "I'm never getting out of here." Earning a frown from Hanji and a few scowls from the circle. I just shrugged. It's not like I was lying. I told them what will happen and that's that.

"Okay!" Hanji said once more, "Lets go around the circle and share our likes and dislikes. Jean, starting from you!" The answers were very similar in a way. They were about disliking food or certain people in their life. As for likes, it wasn't very different either. They liked animals, Outdoors or family. Of course it soon got around to being my turn. "I dislike everything. And I like nothing." I stated bluntly. Everyone got irritated with my words. 'Oh friggin' well' I thought and began playing with the hem of my shirt like it was the most interesting thing in the world at that moment. Not paying attention to anyone or anything at all.

In a few minutes, Hanji dismissed everyone. I was just about to get up after everyone left but was stopped by her. "Eren, dear please meet me in my office. I'll inform them just go to my office and I'll meet you there okay?" I nodded and without complaint went to her office as told to as she went to notify the people that I wouldn't be there for a while. Walking to her laboratory-Office I mean, I passed a few doors that held different things such as cleaning supplies to medical things and such.

I was so lost in my own little world that I didn't even notice when I had stopped in front of Hanji's door. Opening the door, I caught the scent of 'Majestic Waters' As Hanji called her air freshener when it was really 'Rapid Winds' Who in the  _hell_  comes up with this stuff? Anyways, I made my way over to the plush leather chairs and took a seat on one. Looking around, you could see all the sciency things she kept. Jars of organs and anatomy, A skeleton she named 'Sir Sinklebien Schnitzel The Third.' I have no damn idea why. But getting over all of that Hanji had many degrees and awards on display covering the forest green walls.

Her desk was cluttered with papers and shit. The light shining in from the window illuminated the entire room with what some would call a pleasant glow. I would call it unnecessary and useless. To tell the truth, this place was pretty damn nice. Too nice to be in this place.

The door slammed open and in came an overenthusiastic Hanji. "Hellooooo Eren! How've ya been? Good? That's great! Ah. Looks like you already made yourself comfortable in that sitting chair." I shrugged hoping she would just get to the point already. "C'mon, say something." She urged. "Something." I stated then smirked cheekily for a slight second. Her face seemed to light up like a Christmas tree on fire, "There's the spirit! Now, I've called you in here to discuss something with you." She suddenly got serious. Always took her job seriously no matter how messed up she could be. "You're getting a new roommate tomorrow! And, I want you to make friends with him. Can you do that?" Hanji already knew the answer so I don't see why she would even bother trying. I just shrugged as I always did. Not the first time I'll be getting a new roommate. I've had over forty roommates since I've been here. Every single one of them requesting to switch rooms or get a vacant one to get away from me. I couldn't blame them, If I were to be locked in a room with me, I'd want to leave too.

I got up as she started to say goodbye to me and walked out of the door and to my room where a guard was standing; waiting for me to hurry my ass up probably. He stepped aside and let me into my vacant room without even so much saying anything and I was grateful for that.

I laid down on my empty bed and sighed, pressing myself up against the wall and closing my eyes. I just want to feel. All I can feel is pain. Not regret, not happiness or love. Just pain.

Opening my eyes, I felt the need for _more_ pain so I reached into the back of my bedside table drawer, my hands searching for that small smooth piece. My fingers were met with sleek and smoothness. A thin metal shard was soon in my grasp. Rolling up my sleeves, I noticed some of the other horrifying and gruesome marred arms. Disgusting, Ugly, Terrible, Nasty, Pathetic. All these words swam in my thoughts. I can barely remember how I even got this shard of metal in my possession all I can remember about it was that one of the nurses were sweeping in the hallways and did a very shitty job at it.

I pressed the cool metal to my flesh and in one swift movement, made the first red line. Beautiful, I thought. I started making more until I was on my fourth or fifth and a knock sounded on the door.

"Eren, It's dinner. You need to eat today." Petras soft voice was heard through the door. Dinner already? Tch. They forgot to get me for lunch again. Lazy bastards. I changed my shirt after making the bleeding stop, it took a few minutes but I eventually knocked on the door from my side to notify her I was ready to go.

"How're you Eren? I didn't see you at lunch." The honey eyed nurse asked me.

I of course shrugged giving a small grunt to let her know I heard her.

She stayed quiet for the most part except for her humming some song I didn't know nor cared to know in particular. We got to the cafeterias double doors and Petra pushed them open and led me in giving me a small "Goodbye Eren.

They were serving some kind of salad and chicken drenched in some fattening gravy. 'Gross.' I thought as I made my way to the table in the farthest corner of the room only to find someone already sitting there. 'Great' I inwardly groaned. 'Another newbie.' Newbies were always the worst, thinking they had some kind of chance to get out even though they never will. I sighed and walked over to the table and took the other chair to sit in.

Getting a good look at the guy, he had dark raven black hair with some kind of undercut and was parted only slightly on the right side. His eyelashes were brushing delicately on his abnormally pale cheeks. The ravens jawline and nose were sharp but not pointy sharp to where it look weird. His lips were lightly colored in a dusty baby pink with a dash of red. And his eyes…. Well, I couldn't see his eyes but I did notice that he had a few ear piercings. Of course granted they weren't in his ear because the Ward doesn't allow any body jewelry I could only see the small holes in the cartilage. There were six on the right side and as for his left, I didn't know.

He started to look up and that's when I looked away and down at my plate and poked it uninterestedly, just poking it. Apparently he looked at me too because I could feel his eyes burning holes into me. Inwardly, I was debating whether or not to look up and exchange eye-contact.

Eventually, I complied and lifted my head a bit to see through my brown locks that were in my eyes. After a moment, I took a deep breath and looked up fully.

My breath was caught somewhere in between my lungs and throat. His eyes were amazing. That steely, silver blue looking into my soul and reading me like a book. It was as if he could tell me my entire life story by just one look into those eyes. But more importantly, He was beautiful not just his eyes but him.

After a minute of gawking, the strange raven spoke in a smooth, velvety voice that held coldness and bitterness, "Oi, brat would you quit fucking staring at me? It's fucking creepy as shit." Well, I wasn't expecting that. But I just kept silent.

"Hey kid, When someone's talking to you, you answer them." He sounded annoyed now.

"Sorry." I muttered and he 'Tch'ed.'

I had literally experienced the most awkward twenty last minutes of dinner I had ever had. It was probably the only awkward moment I'd ever had.

He had been sitting there watching me like a homeless man would eye their first sandwich in weeks. To say the least, he eyed me down for twenty minutes straight and it was uncomfortable as hell. I was relieved when he got up and left for wherever it was he was going. Probably his new room. Yet again, after everyone had left, I finally made my way up to the doors and exited the cafeteria and to my room.

To my great surprise, I didn't find a guard outside my room but my rooms light was on and I could hear a great deal of shuffling around curses echoing off of the walls and out the crack underneath the door. 'Oh great, Either they've just started room inspections or that's my new roommate.' I remembered what Hanji had said. But wait, Didn't Hanji say that I'd be getting my roommate tomorrow? Ugh, fan-fucking-tastic. I sighed,-I seem to be doing that a lot lately- and opened the door seeing the light on which was rare because I rarely ever turned it on so the bulb was brighter than hell itself. I instantly recognized that head, that was the guy from dinner not even ten minutes ago.

He appeared to be putting his stuff in his respectable drawers in color coordination and neatly folding things.

I didn't even make a sound as I walked soundlessly to my bed and climbed into the corner bringing my knees up to my chest self-consciously. Apparently, He was done because he stopped and turned around, making eye-contact with me once again.

"So brat, you're my roommate? Tch. Fucking great. Having to spend time in a room with a disrespectful brat." He said eyeing me.

I muttered in return, "Yeah I guess so."

"Hey shitty brat, what's your name?" He asked while turning off the lights. "Eren." I replied softly not really used to talking a lot. I'm one of the people who only say when things need saying but usually things just don't. But today, I was feeling brave. "What's yours?"

It felt like forever before he answered. So, I started just doing my usual stare at the wall into the dark nothingness. I guess he didn't want to answer which is understandable. I started thinking about nothings just the small thread coming off of my long sleeved shirt or the fact that my sweatpants were getting too big because I've lost a bit of weight and they now practically fall off my hips because the drawstrings had to be taken out due to the no strings rule in the Ward. All these damn rules.

"Levi." Well, that made me jump a bit. "What?" I asked dumbly. "My name. You asked for my name and I told you, Levi."

Oh. "Okay." I mumbled. He was sitting up in his bed across the room from me. "You aren't going to sleep?" I wondered.

Levi shook his head, "No. Why aren't you?" He asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I will eventually." I lied. I wouldn't go to sleep. I'm scared to go to sleep to tell the truth. I'm scared every time I close my eyes. All I see is Mikasa, Mom and Dad. And when I killed them.

Soon, before I knew it I was drifting into a blackness of abyss they call sleep. The last thing I remember hearing before fully drifting off was "Night brat." From who I could only guess to be Levi


	2. Lunchtime and Turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you made it past chapter one. How?

'Screaming, Crying and blood. So much blood. But, from where? I looked down at my hands. That's funny, I'm trembling but why?

I looked down to see my hands covered in blood as for my face but it's not mine. If not mine then whose? Mikasa was screaming but why? "Eren! L-look what yo-you've done!" I looked down to see Mom and Dad. No It couldn't be.

I-I didn't kill them, I couldn't have. Surely they were just playing, right? Right?

"M-mom? Da-dad? He-" I was cut off by Mikasa yelling.

"Eren! S-stop just s-stop. They-they're dead." She sobbed out covering her face with the red scarf I had given her so long ago. What happened? W-why are they dead?

I started to laugh hysterically. They-they're really gone! I laughed and laughed. At first, it was just a small chuckle then turned into the horrifying laughter of...of what? A killer? Yeah, a killer. A murderer.

I watched as Mikasa stared at me with horror and pain in her eyes. Tears streaming down her face as she trembled with fear in the corner. There was a knock on the door.

Then, the men in uniform came in and picked me up. Where were they taking me? To the hospital? To Neverland? I really didn't know. But I saw one of the taller ones talk to my sister and she was put in a different car than me and went a different way. Where was I really going?

I didn't know but one of the men in uniform came at me with a syringe of something and injected me with it. I was crying and yelling all at the same time.

I don't remember what happened after that because that's when my eyes met abyss, sweet, sweet abyss.'

I awoke with a jolt in my bed and looked down at my hands as tears streamed and dripped down onto the blanket and myself. I tried holding back the tears but they just kept coming. WHat's wrong with me? Everything, that's what.

I looked over to Levi's bed where he was sitting up staring at the ceiling and mumbling things to himself incoherently. It was silent for a while until he broke the silence, "Hey brat, you okay?" I really have no idea why he cared so much so I just shrugged it off.

"Yeah, I'm fine, it was just a dream." He said nothing after me telling him that and we just left it at that.

I didn't get back to sleep due to my dream. When I first came here, I would've called it a nightmare but, now they're so frequent they're just dreams. Nothing special, just memories. Just mistakes.

It was around Nine in the morning when I was awoken from my thoughts when Petra knocked on the door. 'Probably breakfast' I guessed. It wasn't like we had anything else to do at that time like go waterskiing or some shit like that.

"Eren! C'mon, breakfast time!~" Petra sang in her sing song voice that was way too cheery for this time in morning, even if I didn't sleep, it was still morning and I didn't really appreciate her loud voice.

I grunted in response as I closed my eyes for a few seconds before feeling a weight sit at the foot of my bed making me jump slightly. I opened my eyes to see Levi just sitting there and looking at me. I was going to ask something about it but decided to just stay silent and keep my mouth shut about it.

"Hey Brat," Levi started as I was about to get up and go outside of the room for breakfast. I didn't say anything just looked at him straight in the eyes, my eyes meeting a steely blue silver. They were truly beautiful and artistic. I raised my eyebrows in the slightest to show that I was paying attention.

"Are you okay brat?" He asked me. Why would he be asking if I was...oh.

I touched my left cheek and felt the semi-dry face of mine. Was I really crying?

"U-uh yeah," I muttered before opening the door to go with Petra, Levi following along behind Petra but a pace or so in front of me just casually walking with such sass. How can someone wearing baggy sweatpants still have a sassy sway was beyond me.

Petra led us to the cafeteria where she opened the doors with a "Have a nice day Eren!" and "Nice to meet you Levi!" Way too cheerful for Levi and myself. I inwardly laughed at the face he made when she started to talk. It was obvious he was equally annoyed if not more than me as of how loud the strawberry blonde could be in the mornings.

I got in the line for food with Levi a few people ahead of me because some fuckers decided to cut in line. Oh well, doesn't bother me, won't be eating as usual. I got a plate of some of what looked like it tried to be scrambled eggs but failed tremendously, a bottle water and a small packaged oat bar that didn't taste completely like crap.

Levi sat in the spot he occupied yesterday at dinner. I walked over and placed my things where I sat. He was just eyeing his food like it was going to jump out at anytime and eat his face off with a plunger.

He took a big risk and tasted a small tiny piece of eggs. The look on his face was absolutely priceless, the expression was somewhere between 'What the fuck?!' and 'Oh god why this is disgusting!'

His neutral look was replaced with the mixture and if I had not been in such a serious place or where I didn't like attention drawn on me, I would've laughed and rolled right then and there.

Apparently Levi had noticed something because his next lines were to die for.

"Hey you shitty brat, what the royal fuck is so funny? The idea of my foot shoved up your ass? Yeah, that's pretty funny to me too." I just couldn't hold it anymore.

I giggled. Yes, giggled but I didn't mind the little emotion and sound slip from my usually silent lips.

"What? The food? I'm serious, this tastes like chicken shit that's been scrambled up and put on a plate where people can eat it and get diseases of all sorts." He stated simply with his regular expression staying put on his face.

"Sorry Levi." I said and opened the bottled water I had gotten, taking a sip. I didn't realize it until now but my throat was particularly dry and drinking the cool water was very refreshing and I could talk properly and my voice wasn't so raspy.

"Tch, whatever shitty brat, why didn't you tell me it tasted like fucking shit?" He asked. I just shrugged my shoulders and apparently, that wasn't a good enough answer for him because he looked irritated and annoyed with me. "Well brat? Are you going to actually tell me, you know, use your words?"

"Sorry. I just don't know why I didn't tell you is all, I guess it's just been a while since I've eaten the food here." I said. "And I'm not a brat." I muttered the last part under my breath but he still heard me.

"How old are you?" He questioned. "Seventeen." I answered, "Why?"

"Well, if you're younger than me, you're a brat in my eyes kid." He said.

"How old exactly are you then?" I questioned becoming curious and actually interested in something or rather someone for once. "Why should I tell a brat like you?" Levi asked me, before taking a drink of water. I never noticed before, but he held cups and glasses weird, the way he curved his hand and fingers just below the rim of the glass as if it were to slip at any moment but never did. How does he not spill anything? Oh well, weirdo.

"Hey kid, I asked you a question, you going to answer or keep gawking at me?" The man in front of me asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I didn't know why but I could feel my cheeks heat up a bit in an unnatural fashion.

"Huh?" I asked dumbly inwardly mentally slapping myself in the face.

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Damn brat, I asked you why I should give my age out to shit-heads like you. Or are you so preoccupied in twiddling your thumbs and staring at people to actually answer a question because if so, please tell me." Now Levi started to sound annoyed and agitated.

"O-Oh, Um, because you asked me first?" I guessed. I mean, he did ask me for my age first so it's only fair right? "Tch, brat. But if you must know, I'm Twenty-One." He stated.

I didn't say anything after that and neither did he. After what seemed like forever, someone announced that breakfast was over and everyone-Once again- swarmed at the door like their lives depended on it and Levi was the first one out the doors just like yesterday evening.

And like always, I was the last one out the doors and wasn't all that surprised when I found that Levi was already in our room with the light once again on.

"Filthy brat, do you not see how dirty these floors are? Or the walls and beds? Oh for fucks sake, please don't tell me I slept on that mountain of filth and grime on my bed." Was literally the first words I heard when I got inside my room and shut the door. "Well, do you see the filth? Do you brat?" He asked me. "Yes." I stated simply.

"Well, if you see it, then why don't you clean it you fucktard!" He exclaimed.

"I just never really turned on the lights. So, I guess that's why I never saw it. Sorry." I told him. It was the truth, I never felt the need to turn on the light because I just never did anything in the room, save for sitting in the corner all day or sleeping when I get the chance.

"Would you quit fucking apologizing kid? Geez, I'm only giving you a hard time. But seriously, we're cleaning this up before lunch or whatever, do I make myself clear? You better know how to fucking clean too, because if not, I'll make you re-clean everything until it's up to my standards. You got it brat?"

I nodded in response. "Okay." I told Levi.

"Good." He dusted off a place on his bed and leaned up against the wall mouthing words I couldn't make out because they seemed to be in some foreign language that I didn't know and his eyes closed. I never realized it but, Levi was undeniably beautiful when he didn't look like a twelve meter pole was shoved up his ass. The way his long elegant eyelashes graced his cheeks when his eyes were closed, or how his ebony black hair fell perfectly in all the right places. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was a model that was modeling for 'Hottest Guys of The Year' magazine cover. Or the way his- WAIT, Eren, stop. Stop thinking like this. There's no way the two of you could ever become more than just roommates.

I just cleared all of those thoughts out of my mind and subsided in just sitting in my little corner of solitude until Petra comes and knocks on the door.

(Levis POV)

Damn it! Damn it all to hell and back!

That fucking brat. That fucking cocky, un-talking, blue-green eyed enigma brat that was too adorable for his own good.

No, it can't be happening, not again. I just need to stop before I get in too deep to where I can't go back. Okay, breathe Levi, just breathe and pretend Eren's not there. Pretend that you never met nor saw his cute little face that looks so adorable when he blushed earlier, so innocent.

I'd bet you wanna take that innocence away don't you? You always have been one to do that, so what's stopping you now? That's right nothing, go on, do it!

'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!' I mentally screamed. 'Why won't you just leave me the hell alone?'

I just really need to take a breather and- "Levi, hey Levi." I felt someones hands on my arm and their voice. I opened my eyes to come face-to-face with the same enigma I was trying to forget but couldn't.

"C'mon Levi, it's time to go to the common room, Wards orders." The brat informed me.

"Whatever." I told him and got up to see that the woman from earlier, Petra was it? Already standing at the door with it open wearing a large and happy smile on her face.

"Lets go boys! Don't wanna be late, Hanji has something set up for everyone." The honey colored eye girl told us.

It was quiet walking down the hallways, that was up until Petra opened her mouth and said something. "How's your first day here Levi? Are you enjoying it so far?" Is she really asking me if I enjoy being in a Psych Ward? Like, what the hell? Who likes being in a hospital for the mentally unstable and insane where you're trapped forever?

Not me, that's who for damn sure.

Instead of telling her that I just complied with saying "It's fine I guess, food tastes god awful, like shit to be more precise." Apparently, she wasn't expecting an answer because as soon as I spoke, she seemed surprised but went back to smiling.

"Oh, yeah. I wasn't expecting you to say anything. Wow! It's just that in all my years of working here, I couldn't get Eren to say anything, heck! He still doesn't say much. Thank you for actually saying something Levi, I hope we can be great friends!" The enthusiastic strawberry blonde exclaimed. Tch, friends with her? How about no. 'GET OUT OF MY HEAD!' I inwardly shouted again.

Why won't they just leave me alone?

The rest of the walk to the common room was quiet once more until we got to the doors where Petra opened it for Eren and I.

When we walked in, there were a lot of people there and I suddenly became aware of some peoples eyes on me making me tense.

They're watching you Levi, when are you going to just snap? Huh? Let loose like old times. Have a little fun, c'mon. Kill. 'No. No, get away from me. Go away!'

I clenched my fists and began trembling. I was scared.

(Erens POV)

I knew I had to do something whenever he started hyperventilating and started to drop down to his knees.

I walked over to him and helped him up, taking him to the couch no one ever bothered to sit on or go near because the T.V. was on the other side of the room. "Levi, Levi, I need you to calm down." I said. "Breathe, Levi, Breathe. Inward, and exhale"

He started to actually calm down after a minute or two. "That's it, deep breath in and exhale." I repeated this a few times, rubbing circles on his back. "I'm here, Levi. Du bist in Ordnung, Levi. You're okay. Nothing's going to hurt you." I whispered to him. The shivering and trembling stopped and his breathing returned back to normal.

Eventually, he was calm enough for me to let go and stop rubbing circles on his back. Levi sat up and brought his knees up to his chest. It made me wonder, what really happened to him?

It was a while before Hanji came bursting into the room through the doors. "Hellooooo kiddies! You're probably wondering why I gathered you all here today. Well, I figured, that instead of having our little sessions after breakfast, why not play a few games and have some exercises? Doesn't that sound just grandly amazing?!" Hanji exclaimed at the top of her lungs.

While many protested, we still had to do these stupid games. Stupid fucking Hanji, I know that I hate private therapy but this, this was beyond worse because then, I'd have to be around all of these newbies, perverts and know-it-all's.

Hanji split us up into pairs and groups due to odd numbers. Who knew? I was paired up with, wait for it, Levi. Oh well, at least it's not Horse-Face who thinks he's the best and can't for just one second shut the ever loving hell up. Like seriously, Jean nobody gives a shit if your parrot ran away, your parents put you in here and you were one of the best in your school. I'd rather not listen to him whine about everything.

But, that's none of my business.

Anyways, Hanji gave each of us a pat on the back and a reassuring smile followed by, "Make friends!"

The first exercise or game, whatever, was to talk about a good and happy memory.

"Levi, are you okay? I asked my partner. "Thank you." He told me.

"What?" I asked him. He looked back at me with his steely blue eyes, "I said thank you, Eren. Thanks for you know, being there and…" He trailed off a bit probably not used to being sentimental and thanking someone. I smiled at him using my actual name though but tried to contain it to a minimum. "Oh, You're welcome. I mean, I couldn't just let you...yeah."

Levi nodded in confirmation before changing the subject, "So, what's a nice memory you had? The most recent one you can think of." I had no idea. Well, I did but...I don't know if he'll appreciate it. Oh well.

"Umm, we-well, when you didn't call me brat or kid, instead using my actual name." I said sheepishly. "Whatever brat, creepy as that is, I'll just leave it."

"What about you, I mean, what's the last happy memory you have?" I asked.

"The last time I saw my mother. We were in our house in France, I was helping her make Pain au Chocolat for breakfast, we were both smiling and happy as can be. While I was helping her, I managed to get something on the floor and automatically began to clean and scrub at it. Mother laughed and ruffled my hair. It was one of the best days of my life. That was until-" He cut himself off obviously not wanting to press further on the subject.

I didn't pry into his past simply for the fact that it too pained me when I talked about my mother and I knew how it felt to be like that. So instead, I just nodded and we waited patiently for Hanji to give everyone something else to do.

After a few more activities and games, people got to know eachother better than I knew was even possible. I guess that's what Hanjis activities were on, bonding and release.

There were some people in tears and some with big and bright smiles adorning their faces and people were even hugging one another. It was weird to see so many happy humans in one room together. It made me almost want to smile...but I didn't.

"Okay! That was great kiddies! Oh can you just feel the love? I know I sure can! Anyways, you may all go to your rooms now! Have an amazing day~!" Hanji sang.

Everyone walked back to their rooms with some of the guards following making sure everyone got to their designated rooms. Levi and I got to ours and almost immediately, he started stripping his bed with the lights, once again turned on. Damn those bright lights.

"Alright brat, strip." Levi told me. I could feel a heat creep up my face. "Wha-what?" I asked.

"Ugh, not like that you shitty brat, strip your bed, not you. Holy fuck, idiot." He sighed.

"Oh." I said. 'Man, sometimes I can be so clueless sometimes.' I thought.

"You think?" Levi scoffed. What the, 'How did he know what I was thinking?'

"Because brat, you're thinking outloud dumbass." The man then walked over to me and…

'SMACK'

He hit me in the back of the head. "You hit me you little shrimp!" I raised my voice then slapped my hand over my mouth. Levi turned to me giving me the most deadly glare I'd ever seen, "What was that?" He asked calmly.

"No-nothing!" I said backing away slowly. I could tell he wasn't buying it. "No, tell me Eren, what was it you said? I won't hurt you." I could tell he was lying.

"I called you a little shrimp." I exhaled a breath I didn't know I had been holding and went to hide under my blanket in my corner.

"Okay." He told me. "That's all I needed to know." What? Was he for real right now? "That's it? You-you're not going to hit me?" I asked. Levi shook his head and continued stripping his bed, "C'mon brat, strip your bed." He told me and I complied; taking my blanket off of me, I noticed that Levi was about to open my bedside drawer. Oh. No, I lunged forward and stopped him from pulling the handle.

"What are you doing?" I questioned, stalling him from opening the drawer.

"What's it look like? I'm looking for some type of napkin or cloth to wipe down the dust, what else?" He asked. "What, is there something I shouldn't see?" Getting suspicious.

"What? No. Nothing's in there. So, we can just take some napkins from the cafeteria later!" I stalled terribly. I inwardly cringed at my terrible job at it and mentally slammed my head against the wall. "Well, if there's nothing in there, you wouldn't mind me looking in there would you?" He challenged.

"Of course not, which is why you can't open the drawer. Because nothing's in it." I said intelligently. Apparently, Levi wasn't having any of it because what he did next was incredulous. He took my arm and threw me on my bed making sure I wasn't going anywhere, and opened the drawer. When he opened the drawer, he didn't see anything at first then, he reached in it. All the way back. Seconds later he pulled out the small metal shard that was covered in blood.

His eyes went large with confusion, all he said was "Why Eren?"

My eyes started to water and the tears just started falling out and I was choking, not only on tears but on the thickness of the atmosphere in this room, like I was suffocating.

(Levis POV...Once again)

"My eyes filled with shock and my heart took a deep plunge when I held up what Eren didn't want me finding. So this is what he was hiding.

I had nothing to say, I was just filled with anger, sadness and I didn't know why. All I could say was, "Why Eren?"

That was when his beautiful eyes started to water with tears and fell. I felt my heart twinge, I don't know why I feel like this, It's never happened with anyone before. It didn't even happen with 'him' Never this strong, never this way.

I don't know why, but I don't want the brat to cry, his eyes don't need to be filled with tears and sadness, they need to be filled with happiness and that warmth that's usually there. I don't know why, but I wanted to be the one next to him and comforting him, I want to make him happy again and I don't know why. I just wanna be the one to love him. Wait. What? Love him, no that can't be right, hell I just met the damn kid. More like I just want to be the one to care for him in some weird way. That's more like it.

I walked over to the crying chestnut colored hair boy who was currently crying his eyes out. I sat down next to him and held him in my lap, he tensed a bit but relaxed and cried more. I wrapped my arms around his noticeably small and frail figure and whispered into his ear. "Eren, shh, vous etes bien. Je suis desole. Se il vous plait, arreter de pleurer. Vous ne avez pas besoin, shh, Je suis ici. Eren, se il vous plait ne pleure pas." He sniffled and his crying got softer.

I still had my arms wrapped around the weeping boy. I feel bad, I felt bad just knowing that I had done this. If only I hadn't opened that drawer. If only, if only.

It took a while, but finally, Erens crying subsided and he looked up at me his blue green orbs sparkling. "Levi?" He asked barely whispering but I still heard him. "Hm?" I looked down.

"Those words, what did they mean? Were you speaking in French?" He looked into my eyes full of weariness. I nodded. "Yes, I was. They mean, 'Don't cry, I'm right here, please don't cry Eren.' Because, I am right here." I told him in a voice that was low.

"Oh, Okay." He sniffed. The air was filled with silence for a while but was broken by a knock on the door. "Eren, Levi, lunch, you have to come out." It was Petra.

Eren got up as did I and Petra opened the door for us. The walk to the cafeteria was quiet and peaceful, even Petra didn't say anything. To say the least, it was nice. When we got to the doors Petra opened them and we walked inside. This time, when I got my food, I didn't eat it I just settled on an apple and water.

The brat got some fruit salad thing, what the hell? Where did it even come from? Oh well.

I watched the fruit salad Eren had and he looked at me. "Is there something wrong?" He asked before taking the first bite. I shook my head, "No. Nothing's wrong." He shrugged and kept eating.

I kept watching his fruit salad until he got annoyed with me. "Fine! You can have some!" He said.  
"No thanks. I don't want any." I told him and took a sip of water.

"The hell you do." he muttered and scooted his chair closer to mine. "What-" It was too late, before I knew it, he was shoving something in my mouth, it was sweet and tasted ripe and juicy. It was a strawberry. "Eat it. You wanted it so badly." Eren told me.

I chewed it up and swallowed it. "Happy?" I asked, "Very, want anymore? I don't think I can eat all of it." The pretty eyed boy asked me. I shrugged my shoulders, "Eh, why the hell not?" A small smile formed on his lips. "You should smile more often, it suits you better than frowning." I told him. "Oh so you like this shitty brats smile?" He joked. I let myself smile a bit. "Maybe you should smile Mr-I-don't-like-dirt-and-I-Like-the-word-shit-a-lot. It suits you better than your 'Fuck you' face."

I actually laughed at that, "I have a 'Fuck you' face? Is that what my face really looks like?" I asked him nudging his side with my elbow like we had known eachother for years even though we only met yesterday, but seemed eternity. "Yep!" He seemed happier today than yesterday and this morning. It made me happy inside to know that he was happy.

We had conversations on just random shit. Whether it be on how enthusiastic and stupid Hanji-shit glasses as we called her- was or how this world was both beautiful and cruel. We even talked about; more like agreed that the food here sucks ass hands down.

Eventually, it was time to go to personal therapy. Eren went to Hanji before me, so he left to her office while I went back to the room.

In the room, I cleaned. I wiped off dust, got new bed sheets and pillows, put Eren's thing back in the drawer and made the beds. It was when I decided to sit down, Eren came back in.

"Hey Levi, Hanji- Holy crap, it's clean." He walked over to his bed and plopped down face first. "Ish ashcully clean!" Was his muffled voice. "Yeah, and you can thank me for that brat." I flicked his head and walked out of the door, "Don't mess it up." I was met by Petra outside of the door.  
"Follow me." She said with a smile on her face. We walked a bit until we stopped at a door I could only presume was Hanji shit glasses.

"Here we are!" Petra sang. So my presumptions were right. Petra walked away and I knocked on the dark oak door. "It's Ooopppenn!~" Hanji sung from inside her office. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

'Here we go.' I thought, and braced myself for what happened next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Levi says he was making 'Pain au Chocolat' It's basically a chocolate filled crossant only it doesn't look like one.  
> When Eren's speaking in German, he's saying "You're okay."  
> When Levi was speaking in French, he was saying, "Eren, shh, you're alright. I'm sorry. Please, stop crying. You don't need to, shh I'm right here. Eren, please don't cry."
> 
>  
> 
> Kudos is like porn to writers. Satisfy the urges.


	3. Just Existing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you take something away, will you ever get it back? Will you ever get your mind back? Your life? Probably not but you can try.

(Levis POV)

Opening the door, I was met with my fate.  
“Hiya! You must be the newbie! Ohhhhh I just can’t wait to get to know you~!” Hanji sang or well, yelled out her lungs.

I walked over to where she was gesturing next to her on the next chair. I took in my surroundings as I sat down. The walls were a forest green with various awards hung on the walls as well as the large oak shelves that were adorned with books and what appeared to be organs and anatomy. ‘What the fuck?’ I really didn’t know.

Her desk was cluttered on top with papers and shit. The clutter made me want to really clean it up because it bothered me so much. My fingers and hands were just itching to go over there and straighten things up. The far glass window that was currently to the back of me was letting a bit of the morning to afternoon sunlight. I looked around the room a bit more until I saw ‘it’. It was a fucking creepy skeleton in the corner just staring at me directly.

Apparently Shit-glasses caught on because she then erupted with a laughter that just about scared the living fucking shit out of me. “That! Is my best friend!” Okay she was either insane or...yeah she was insane to no end. 

“What the hell?” I asked. Because really, what the hell. Hanji laughed again only what really looked weird was whenever she tilted her head up to howl with her laughter, the sunlight from the window caused a glint in her glasses making her appear to be a fucking mad-man. Well, technically...Yeah.

“Yeppers! He’s my bestest friend in the whole wide world Mr.Sinklebine Schnitzel the Third!” The shit-glasses brunet exclaimed. 

It was a bit awkward for a few minutes just sitting there, not talking or doing anything. That was until Hanji decided to break that silence and spoke up.

“So, You’re Levi huh?” She asked. Well, obviously I was.

“No shit.” I deadpanned. She had to put a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle or outburst of howling like a banshee. 

“Oh my! Levi, Levi, Levi. You have quite the humor!” She then got serious and leaned in, propping her chin in the palm of her hand. “You know, it says here that you’ve been to multiple facilities before for various reasons, is this true?”

So they did put it down. I nodded my head, “Yes, it’s true.” I told her. Damn, they- or at least she- knows what happened.

“Alright. Tell me Levi, how are you right now? How are you feeling, or are there any special events going on you’d like to share? Special people? Anything. Just tell me anything you’d like.”   
In truth, I didn’t want to tell her anything. Nothing at all.

“I don’t have anything to say.” I told her. “Of course you do! Just think of something.” Hanji said.

I was getting a bit annoyed and got up from the chair that I was occupying. Just as I had walked to the door and was about to open the door to leave, Hanji just had to open her fucking mouth.  
“You know, Eren’s been noticeably more...Happy ever since you came here, Levi.” that stopped me. So, I turned around to see just what she was spouting off about.

“It’s true! He just couldn’t stop talking about you, Levi this, Levi that! I say it’s quite cute. If I didn’t know any better I’d think he had a-” I cut her off.

“Shut up.” I breathed out, feeling a headache coming on, “Stop. Please just fucking stop.” I said calmly. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just couldn’t take it. Between her talking and the turmoil going on in my head, it was enough to set me off.

“Levi, I need you to calm down.” Hanji eased, walking over to me. I flinched and jumped a bit whenever she put her hand on me. “C’mon, Levi calm down.”

But, I wasn’t calming down. Thoughts were racing through my mind and I could hear sinister laughter ringing through and bouncing off the sides of my brain.

‘You remember what happened last time you loved? That’s right, he LEFT you!’ The voices, they’re back. My head started pounding and it soon became difficult to breathe, my lungs were being suffocated from the inside and it hurt. It was becoming hard to breathe to the point I thought I was going to die.

I dropped down to the floor, my knees turned to jelly. The shock on Hanjis face was very visible. “Oh-No, Levi! I need you to breathe with me, in, out. C’mon, I need you to stay calm and just think about happy thoughts.” She tried to calm me down but no such luck.

‘Aww, what’s wrong? Hit a nerve huh? Well, it’s the truth. When are you going to just accept it?’

I was shaking and curled up in a ball holding my head. “Aaahhhhh! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!” I screamed. Hanji was taken aback and in came a nurse. “Eren, Eren, Eren.” I kept repeating his name but I didn’t know why. I felt comfort repeating his name, it soon became all I said while the nurses took me away and into the hallway where I’d soon be taken away.  
They took me past my room and I was trying to make all the noise I could to get Erens attention. “Hey! Calm down you mother fu-” The guy on my right side was cut short by someone else.   
I knew those eyes from anywhere.

“What- Levi! What’s going on?” It was Eren. Oh thank whatever god that it was him.   
I immediately stopped thrashing frantically and the two nurse men looked confused. “What the hell? Levi, what are they doing?” The bright eyed brat asked me looking more confused than the two men who were currently holding on to my arms.

“Hey, kid you’re not supposed to be out of your room. Unless you want to get-” The more built nurse that was to my left started but he was cut off when Eren stepped out of our doorway and started walking over to the scene. 

 

The more built nurse that was to left started but was cut off when eren stepped out it'd our doorway and started walking over to the scene. He made his way over to me ignoring the nurse men's attempts to get him back to his room. 

"Levi, are you alright?" he asked his green eyes full of concern. 

"Kid, get back into your room before you get into trouble now you hear? " one of the nurses ordered him. 

"Eren, please " I start but switch to French so they can't understand but neither can Eren, I remembered, so I switched back to English, "Just stay with me! Don't leave me, its happening again. I can't do this again, not again."

"What Levi? Tell me I'll help you just tell me what it is, " Eren pleaded. "Please Levi, I’m here, I won't leave you. "

"What are they doing?" One of those idiot nurses still holding me asks his asshole of a companion.

"Like hell if I know. Hey you," He said, addressing Eren, "You better quit that bullshit and get back to your room before we put you in isolation. We don’t need your help, we can take it from here.”

That pisses me off. "You leave him alone! You don't give a shit, he actually cares about helping me! You think we're the ones that need help but you don't do shit about anything to help us! You keep us here like animals! " I shot at them, venom dripping off my tongue.

Eren saw how much I wanted to kill the two, because he came closer to me.

"Hey now, calm down Levi," Eren says putting a hand on my face and the other on my shoulder. "You need to calm yourself, don't lose yourself. I promise you I'm here for you no matter what. "

‘I'm here for you no matter what' I hear someone mock. The voices. They’re back and they’re echoing in my head. 

Shit no, not again. They’re what put me in this predicament.

‘Didn't he promise you that too Levi, huh?’ It's followed by sinister laughter. ‘How long do you think this one will stay? A week perhaps? Two? I doubt he'll last month with you. ‘

"Shut up," I mumble. Me mumbling startles one of the nurses and they look at me like 

"Levi, please tell me, " Eren's still there. I can't let him know about the voices, I can't let him know how broken I am. The pain in his eyes search for something, answers but they’re not there. They’re not there because I don’t have them.

The nurses get pissed off at hearing him speak to me again. 

"What'd I tell you boy, stop pulling this bullcrap and get back to your room!"

When he shoves Eren away from me, I start thrashing again. These guys just really know how to piss me off don’t they?

"Don't touch him! Fuck you, shove him again, I'll shove you through a fucking wall you bitch!" I yelled at the guy who shoved Eren. The last time I had yelled this much was when I was in-no I can’t think about that. Not here not now. 

The nurses are really riled up now, getting mad at me and Eren. The whole commotion has brought on other patients and staff. 

"Levi, shh, I'm alright, don't hurt yourself, " Eren continues to try to keep me calm. I'm amazed how composed he is, at how hard he's trying to help me. 

"Stay back, he's dangerous, " A nurse calls out, I don't see to whom though I suspect to the crowd forming around us. 

"He's not dangerous, you're just making things worse, " Eren breaks his composed state of mind for a moment to yell this at the nurse. He then turns back to me to calm me down. “Shh, they don't know anything Levi. Just don’t let them touch you. I’m here, I’m here.” He kept whispering into my ear and brought me into his lap.

I was calm and relaxed. I didn’t wanna fight anymore and I didn’t hear the voices, they were gone all because of Eren. I started to stand up with him and walk back to our room whenever a male nurse stopped me.

“The hell you are, You’re not going back there, you’re coming with us ‘Levi’.” He mocked my name. I look at his face and see he had a bloody nose, must be why he dislikes me, I gave him a bloody nose.

The nurse turns around to yell over his shoulder, keeping me in place while holding his nose.

"Someone! I need help with escorting patient Jaeger back to his room!"

“Like the fucking hell I’m going back with you shitwads, now let me go.” I hiss through clenched teeth. The guy ignores me and keeps on doing what he’s doing.

 

Two more nurses emerge from the crowd and yank Eren back to our room.

"Eren!"I just scream out his name over and over, like before. 

"Levi! Just stay calm, I'll see you soon if you stay calm," he assures before they lock him up in our room, dragging him as he looks into my eyes. Green-Blue meeting my steel cold icy blue grey orbs.

‘No he wont.’ The voices tell me. Why won’t they just get the fuck out of my head? WHY WON’T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE!?

"Shut up!" I yell at the ceiling since I can't yell at a physical representation of the voice in my head, “Just get the fuck away! I don’t need you so shut the hell up!” 

‘See he's leaving you, just like I said he would. Look at that, it only took him one day!’ The voice laughs at me. 

No, he’s not leaving, they’re taking him away, he promised he wouldn’t leave me. He promised...just like ‘him’, but Eren’s different. He won’t leave me because he doesn’t know. And I intend to keep it like that.

 

As I thrash and kick, I don't see the nurse come behind with a needle, but I do feel it. After the prick of a slight stab, my attempts of attack turn sluggish, my eyelids droop, and the world turns black. The last thing I remember was Eren’s worried face and tears stinging the backs of my eyes. Don’t leave me. 

***

(Eren’s POV)

What’s going on? Why did Levi get taken away? Was he alright? What did they do to him? Why do I care?

Why do I care if he’s alright, why did I try to protect him? We just met only a day ago was it? I don’t know but we had only just met. Were we even considered more than just roommates? Probably not, so if we’re not even friends, then why do I care so much?

I had never done this to anyone else in my existence, so why did I comfort Levi and hold him, telling him he’ll be fine? I confuse myself...a lot sometimes. But, what happened to my cold, lifeless mask? Where did my beloved mask go, I had it on for so many years. I guess someone took it off of me and showed me my true colors. But...why?

There’s so many questions I have unanswered though. I used to hate everybody and everything but whenever Levi came here, I started to hate one less person. Well, I didn’t hate Hanji or Petra. They were probably the only two people I could actually stand, without wanting to kill someone- No, not kill someone, not that. I could stand them to a minimum and that was it. There were only three people that I can tolerate; Hanji, Petra and now Levi, I guess.

But that was it. I just really wanna know where they took Levi. I hope they don’t hurt him or anything. If they did or if they are, I’ll be their only problem they’ll need to worry about for a while.

I shook my head and stood up from my bed on my side of the room. I rolled up my sleeves and took a look at my arms. Disgusting scars, white lines and red. Both old and new, they were there. I was standing in front of the door, staring at it with no interest. It was about time for lunch so I figured Petra would come to get me.

I stood there for ten minutes. Ten minutes of standing and thinking of nothing until the light knock of Petra’s arrival sounded and I snapped out of my state and knocked back. I was met with Petra’s bright cheery smile. “Ready to go Eren?” She asked me, still beaming.

I nodded, “Yeah, sure let’s go.” I said and heard a gasp. That’s right, I’ve never really spoken or responded verbally to Petra except on the first few days I was here as a child.

“Eren, good to hear from you.” She nodded, and if even possible, her smile got even bigger. I just awkwardly offered her a crooked, smile,if it could even be considered one. It was more like an awkward smirk that failed tremendously, yeah that sounded about right for me.

We walked silently until a thought popped up into my head and I was dying to get the answer, “Hey Petra,” I started slowly and she looked at me with her honey coloured eyes. “Um, you know about Levi...Where exactly did they take him?”

She looked down at her feet and sighed, “Eren, you know I really am not supposed to tell you...” She trailed off and then looked back up at me and then looked around. “But, between you and me, they took him to isolation and testing rooms. The testing rooms are where they inject different drugs and medications into the patient’s system. Don’t worry though, I’ve been making sure they don’t do it to him because it could actually kill him,” She said lowly and my eyes widened when she continued. “But, they do have him locked up.” Her voice dropped and got sad.

They were keeping him. They were trying to treat him like an animal. But why? I didn’t know and Petra probably didn’t know either. Or did she?

“D-Do you possibly know about why Levi’s here?” I asked curiosity dripping from me. The strawberry blonde female looked me in the eyes and there was a pregnant pause until she spoke, “Eren dear, I’m afraid that it is not in my position to tell such information,” I looked down ready to say something then she cut in again, “But, if you must know I’d say that’s something to ask Hanji, not me.”

Did she just..?

Yes. Yes she did.

“Oh, okay. Thank you Petra.” I said as we came closer to the Cafeteria doors. She smiled at me but what surprised me most was when she hugged me and whispered in my ear, “He’s good for you Eren.” Then pushed me inside the doors before I could say anything.

 

It was fucking loud in here. That’s the first thing I noticed as I stepped into the large overly crowded room. As I walked over to get a tray of shit food, I caught people casting stares in my direction and dirty looks. Did they know? Did they see? How or when? I really didn’t see that many people around whenever Levi had his episode…

My thoughts slowed down to remember what had happened earlier on today. There was a big crowd surrounding us and nurses everywhere. I must have been so caught up with him that I didn’t even notice the people around us at the time. Oh shit. Now they know and they’re all staring now.

I look down at my feet and see I’m no longer walking. Why aren’t I walking? My feet felt heavy like a ton of bricks weighing me down like I was glued to the ground below me.

They were whispering things to each other and it made me really self conscious. What if they were talking about me or Levi? What if they knew something? All of the ‘What if’s’ were swimming in my head like an ocean bringing a wave.

I just grabbed my tray of shitty food and sat in my usual seat picking at the food interestedly I sat like that for the entire time not doing much of anything until we were called to go back to our rooms.

As I lay in my bed, I looked over to the other bed on the other side of the room. It was nicely done up. Pillow and blanket put pristinely in place not a wrinkle in sight. Everything reminded me of how it used to be; quiet and lonely.

Story of my life, quite, lonely and depressed. I am alive and I exist nothing more, nothing less. I don’t belong anywhere so where am I? What am I? Human? Animal? I don’t know. All I am is alive and existing just barely.


	4. Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler sorry. I'll try better next time. I have a tumblr and I'll do stuff there. Sorry for long updates I'm a bit of a lazy writer.   
> Tumblr: freakshowheichou  
> Fanfiction: FreakshowHeichou  
> Wattpad: FreakshowHeichou  
> Any comments, questions or concerns? You now know where to find me. :D

My eyes shot open like a gun being fired. As I tried to move, I saw that I was being strapped down on a hospital like bed. Great.

Complete and utter darkness. That's what I was greeted with. Most people fear it, but I welcome it. In light, you're exposed, people are easier to read when they're exposed, but the dark, it hides you, and when you're hidden, so are your secrets.

Yet it leaves you nothing to do but think, or in my case, remember. And while blissful darkness took over, my mind decided to greet me with a painful memory.

'I was just coming home to the apartment I shared with my lover. It's been 10 months since we first got together, almost a year which is quite a milestone in my opinion. Never did I think I'd ever find myself lucky to be in a relationship with a strong, caring man, who was not just helping me turn my life around, but was everything good I thought I'd never deserve.  
Intelligent, kind, and handsome, it wasn't much of a wonder how I fell for Erwin. He was my doctor; I had met him in the emergency room, after a fatal overdose. Yet here we are, our relationship has been getting serious now, overall good save the occasional arguments we'd get into about my drug addiction. He continuously lectures me on how unhealthy they are, which of course is his main argument, he is a doctor after all. But what he just can't understand is when you use as frequently as I have, you don't grow dependent on them. You're not able to live without them. I can't live without them.

And they help with the voices.

Erwin never understood that. He’d never had drugs ever, not even a cigarette or anything. He didn’t know what addiction was.  
And that's why I secretly used them while he was at work. Which is why he left.  
As I came through the door, I smiled softly to myself hoping to find him on the couch waiting for me, or in the kitchen getting dinner started, whistling that stupid happy tune as he always did when preparing meals. I was disappointed to find he wasn't there. I called out his name. 

“Erwin! Hey fuck brows! I’m back from that interview. Erwin!”

No, the atmosphere felt vacant, telling me no one was there except me.

I tried not to panic. Maybe he had an emergency just as he was leaving at the end of his shift. If he was aware he was going to come home late, he'd leave me a message. I went straight to the phone.

There was one message, it got my hopes up, but it had just been our landlord reminding us of our upcoming rent. I deleted the message as disappointment washed through me.

I looked around the room wondering if there had been an emergency, and if it had been so bad it required Erwin's immediate attention, he hadn't had the chance to call me ahead.  
That's when I noticed the first pieces of furniture missing. Confused, and dread sinking into my stomach, I rushed to our bedroom. The few paintings on the wall, some cushions, and other things all missing. Had we been robbed?

The door was left open.

On the bed was the stash I kept hidden from Erwin. I fell to my knees. A flood of emotions came at once; panic that he'd found out, relief at knowing what'd upset him, and overwhelming sadness at realizing what happened.  
He left me.  
There was a note on the dresser we both shared once upon a time. His professionally done handwriting laced the paper gracefully and I could just see how he danced the pen on the sheet.  
As I read the note, I started to feel pain. Pain in the bottom of my stomach that dropped like a bomb.

Levi,  
I cannot love someone who can break a promise.  
You lied to me. That was your choice, not mine. And after all I did for you, this is how you repay me.  
By going behind my back and doing what I took so much time into to get them away.  
I'm sorry, but this is where we part ways.  
You are no longer part of my future as I am no longer part of yours.  
There's enough money in the cookie jar for this month’s rent. Use it wisely.  
This is my goodbye Levi. You should find yours.  
-Erwin Smith

My hands gripped the note tightly, my hands shaking. My vision blurred as tears built up, I blinked and my vision cleared as they streamed down my face. I tried to call out his name, but all that came out was a strangled cry.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, the note still clutched in my fist, as I sobbed uncontrollably. He left. He left me. How could he do this to me? I loved him, I thought he loved me, he'd said so, yet where was he now? Gone.

‘I warned you, I told you it'd never last, but you never listen, do you Levi?’

I brought my hands over my head, squeezing my ears as if that would stop the voices.  
“Stop.” I trembled. “Please stop just GO AWAY!” 

I raced to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. In the very back were some of my old razors I’d promised to get rid of months ago but couldn’t bring myself to it.

‘What's this? Going to cut yourself?’ They taunted. ‘Well now, what would Erwin say about this? Oh that's right, he doesn't care what you do anymore does he?’

"SHUT UP!" I screamed as I sliced the skin at my wrist making a fresh red line appear. I winced in pain as I made another and another. The tears in my eyes fell to the floor as I curled up into a little ball of self-pity.

‘Ohhh, does that sting? Maybe your boyfriend can patch you up. Sorry, my mistake, he's not here anymore, and he's never coming back.’ I tightened my grip on my head, but I knew there was only one way to make the voices stop.

I went back to our-my bedroom, blood dripping on the floor. Erwin wouldn't like it if I got high, but he'd broken his promise to me, to not leave me, so why should I care if he'd like it or not.

Picking up the first thing I could from the pile, my hands were met with a drug of random. I don’t even remember what happened after that until I woke up the next morning with IV’s hanging out of my arms and the faint beeping sound of my heart.

Damn. I was still alive. And Erwin was still gone.'

I personally hate my memories. They bring me pain and angst and nothing more. They’re reminders that I was once alive and breathing and happy but they also remind me that he’s not here.   
Over time though, I’ve learned that I don’t need him. I have myself to worry about now. My own life. My future if I still had one. And Eren.   
I don’t know what it is about that kid but he’s something special and I don’t want to live without something like him in my life. Just the way he comforted me or treated me. It was nothing like how Erwin did.

While Eren was gentle, sweet and caring, he also had that spark in him that excited me. Erwin always told me to just breathe and it’ll be alright but when Eren said it, I think he meant it. Erwin was always the same and had a routine unlike the bright eyed brat who spontaneously did things for no reason and I kind of liked that.

I needed difference in my life and I think that he could show me what it feels like to be an individual and not just a broken record.   
***

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos is like Porn for writers. Satisfy the urges. 
> 
> "They say this world is both beautiful and cruel."
> 
> "Keep me safe inside. Because, to tell the truth, I'm scared."


End file.
